1 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:06,140 Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience. 2 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:15,749 Come on, coach! Is this What I think it is? 3 00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:17,185 What do you Think it is? 4 00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:19,587 I think it's Something totally useless 5 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,022 That some salesman Talked you into buying. 6 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,925 Boy, you're good At thinking, sam. 7 00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:26,227 Oh! 8 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,929 The billiard buddy Pool table adapter. 9 00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:31,031 Yeah, but it's not Useless, sam. 10 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,101 You can make it Into a ping-pong table, 11 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:37,171 A knock-hockey table, A salad bar. 12 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,806 How much? 13 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,608 Oh, I don't know; A buck? 14 00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:41,942 A buck and a half With croutons. 15 00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:43,911 No, coach. 16 00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:47,047 I mean, how much for The whole thing? 17 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,217 Oh. 600 bucks, sam, 18 00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:53,521 But the salesman said Satisfaction guaranteed. 19 00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:54,822 Or... 20 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:57,158 Now, that would've Been a good question. 21 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,230 $600? 22 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,398 Yeah. Hard To believe, Isn't it? 23 00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:13,307 * making your way In the world today * 24 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:16,477 * takes everything You've got * 25 00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:19,213 * taking a break From all your worries * 26 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:22,483 * sure would help a lot * 27 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:25,786 * wouldn't you like To get away? * 28 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,358 * sometimes You wanna go * 29 00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:35,763 * where everybody Knows your name * 30 00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:40,468 * and they're always Glad you came * 31 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,803 * you wanna be Where you can see * 32 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,539 * our troubles Are all the same * 33 00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:49,577 * you wanna be where Everybody knows your name * 34 00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:53,414 * you wanna go Where people know * 35 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,849 * people are all the same * 36 00:01:55,849 --> 00:02:00,588 * you wanna go where Everybody knows your name * 37 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,512 Good afternoon, Everybody. 38 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,647 Norm! Norm! Norman. 39 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:27,948 What'll it be, Normie? 40 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,617 Just the usual, coach. 41 00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:32,686 I'll have a trough of beer And a snorkel. 42 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,391 Cliffie, maybe you Could help me out. 43 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,627 My mother-in-law's In town. 44 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:40,761 Ah, sorry. 45 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,095 As if that wasn't Bad enough, 46 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:43,697 She says she wants To go sightseeing. 47 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,534 Well, tell her To go to florida. 48 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,670 I told her to go A lot further south Than that, actually, 49 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,640 But she's interested In american history. 50 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:56,510 Norman, take your mother To see bunker hill. 51 00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:57,945 Where? 52 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,580 Bunker hill? 53 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:00,948 The scene of What many consider 54 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:04,418 Of the most important Battles in american history? 55 00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,953 Wait, wait. You talking about 56 00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,388 That place that I got to go All the way around 57 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:10,190 To get To the minuteman Pizza parlor? 58 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,492 No way. 59 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,494 Hey, norm, Your car's unlocked. 60 00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:15,763 Someone might steal Your laundry. 61 00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:16,964 What laundry? 62 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:20,033 That big, lumpy bundle On the front seat of your car. 63 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,135 Oh. That's my Mother-in-law. 64 00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:23,604 She had kind of A rough flight, 65 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:26,907 And she nodded out The second she hit The upholstery. 66 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:30,611 And you left her Out there in an Unattended automobile? 67 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,313 I threw A blanket over her, 68 00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:36,417 And I left her a note, In case she comes to. 69 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:39,520 She's lucky to have you as A son-in-law, norman. 70 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,590 I'm really giving Her the red carpet Treatment. 71 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,858 Hey, yo, pal. Would You do me a favor 72 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:47,828 And toss these In the blue civic Out in front? 73 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:56,370 Hi. Is sam malone here? 74 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,906 No, he isn't. What can I buy From you? 75 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:01,309 What am I saying? 76 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:02,943 What can I get you? 77 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,312 Oh, I'll have a beer. 78 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,979 My name is Lenny barnes. Hi, lenny. 79 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:08,382 I'm the publicist For the chamber of commerce 80 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,384 Charity softball game This saturday. 81 00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,152 I'm looking For sam malone. 82 00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:14,588 I can tell you right Now, sam wouldn't Be interested 83 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,723 In that kind Of thing. 84 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,758 I mean, nobody With any dignity 85 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,661 Wants to get into Those sideshow Carnival things 86 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,764 Where everybody's Made to look Stupid--nobody. 87 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,499 Hey, aren't you Ernie pantuso? 88 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:28,068 I'd be honored To do it. 89 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,137 Well, I don't think We need anybody else. 90 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,639 Oh, well. 91 00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,006 Huh... 92 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:35,843 I find it hard to get up To fenway these days. 93 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:38,111 The old memories Come back, huh? 94 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,280 No. I keep getting The wrong bus. 95 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,716 I must have An old schedule. 96 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:46,587 I guess those stories About you are true. 97 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,390 That they are, lenny. That they are. 98 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,392 Mr. Barnes, Coach is right. 99 00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:54,061 Sam never plays in Old-timer type games. 100 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:56,830 Well, actually, Sam's already Agreed to play. 101 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,332 What? 102 00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,833 I'm just here for Some publicity shots. 103 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,669 Lenny, why don't You take your beer 104 00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,771 And have a seat And wait for sam. 105 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,239 Ok. Thank you. Oh, I have to make a call. 106 00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,941 Use the telephone. 107 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:15,215 I'm so surprised At sam, diane. 108 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,217 I mean, He always said to me 109 00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:20,253 He'd never get involved In one of these things. 110 00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:26,226 Maybe sam misses being out There on the baseball field, 111 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,961 Standing on the bump. 112 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:29,797 I think you got a Point there, diane. 113 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,433 I miss seeing him Out there on The bump, too. 114 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,868 Incidentally, it's Called the mound. 115 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,103 Ah. Mm-hmm. 116 00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:38,772 Unless we're not Talking about The same thing. 117 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,107 No, no. 118 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:42,910 Thank you, carla, For helping me out There. 119 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,845 You sure you want To quit, sam? 120 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,714 I'm willing to catch A few more. 121 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,015 I mean, you weren't Exactly toying 122 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,983 With the sound barrier Out there, you know. 123 00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:53,286 No. I just wanted to loosen Up a little bit, that's all. 124 00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:55,022 Carla, I don't think 125 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,658 You should be engaging In strenuous activity 126 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:58,992 When you're with child. 127 00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,194 If I didn't do Things with child, 128 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:03,230 I'd never Leave the house. 129 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:07,901 The only thing I ever Did without child Resulted in one. 130 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,504 Sam, are you really Going to play in This charity game? 131 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,640 Yeah. I was out there Warming up, coach. 132 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,141 My arm feels Pretty good. 133 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,843 Are you kidding me? 134 00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:18,579 When a butterfly Lands on a ball In mid-flight, 135 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,080 It's not cooking. 136 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:24,418 All I care about is Not embarrassing myself. 137 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:25,853 Good luck. 138 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,721 I have a right to be A little rusty. 139 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,257 The only thing I've thrown in The past 10 years 140 00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,860 Is diane's Butt out of here. 141 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,565 No, sam. 142 00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:40,233 You're thinking Of the tantrums you threw 143 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,102 When I walked out of there. 144 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,103 Ah. 145 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,905 You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing 146 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,707 More than you two argue On this subject 147 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,176 Is hearing cliff Talk about florida. 148 00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,912 As a matter of fact, I was Just about to tell normie 149 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,648 That florida is A pollution-free state. 150 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,784 You know how they Treat solid waste? 151 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:59,520 You said they treated You very well. 152 00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,359 Hey. Hiya, sam. 153 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,728 Hey, lenny. How you doing? 154 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,863 I'm fine. Say, look, I've made arrangements 155 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,465 To have a photographer And some of your opponents 156 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,333 Drop by for some Publicity stills. 157 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:14,702 Right now? 158 00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,269 Yeah. It won't take But a minute. 159 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,971 They should be here Right away. 160 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,873 Tell me, sam, What brought about 161 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:23,043 This sudden Altruistic bent In your personality? 162 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,012 Come on, I resent that. "Sudden"? 163 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:26,480 I've always Cared very deeply 164 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,116 For people less fortunate Than myself. 165 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,552 Here they are. Hey. 166 00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:39,527 Oh, sam. You great Big humanitarian. 167 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,564 Who says you can't work For a worthy cause 168 00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:46,333 And still be Sexually aroused? 169 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,235 You could be having An appendectomy 170 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:50,504 And still be Sexually aroused. 171 00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,239 Be that as it may, 172 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,974 I have to Excuse myself now 173 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,944 And go say hello To my fellow do-gooders. 174 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,982 Huh! 175 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,718 Boing! 176 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,654 Are those dames, Or what? 177 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,456 Oh, this is disgusting. 178 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:11,424 In what kind of culture Do I live 179 00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:13,426 Where they are The ideal woman? 180 00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:17,030 Gee, diane, You got to admit, They are beautiful. 181 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,167 Coach, take away All their make-up, 182 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:23,370 All their expensive Haircuts, and those bodies, 183 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,338 And what have you got? 184 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,040 You. 185 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,047 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 186 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,283 They're, uh...They're Playboy playmates. 187 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,618 Get out of here. 188 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,487 I recognize miss february Of a few years back. 189 00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,656 She's a native of montana, 190 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,658 Hates the hustle and Bustle of the big city. 191 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:47,427 Her turn-ons include Strong but sensitive men, 192 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,997 Classical music, And rainy afternoons. 193 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,098 Wow. 194 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,901 It's just... Hard to believe 195 00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:56,937 That vera and those Are the same sex. 196 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,840 Excuse me. Does anyone Have a blue civic 197 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,441 With a bumper sticker That says 198 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:02,676 "Accountants Do it with interest"? 199 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,111 Yes! That would be mine, 200 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,946 And, you know, it's True, by the way. 201 00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,581 They're towing it away. 202 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,949 Did you happen To notice 203 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,584 A little old lady Trying to get out? 204 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,586 No. 205 00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,688 Oh. Well, great. Another round, Coach. 206 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,690 Norm, what about Your mother-in-law? 207 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,992 She's safe. The cops have her. 208 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:23,631 So...My place Or yours? 209 00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:25,265 I have a roommate. 210 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,234 Yours it is. 211 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,568 Bye. See you. 212 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,372 Here. Would you Take your drink? 213 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,175 Thank you. Hey, are you Upset about something? 214 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,845 You know what bugs me About women like you? 215 00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:40,547 You take off All your clothes, 216 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:42,349 You pose for a magazine, 217 00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:44,852 Thousands of men See you naked. 218 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:49,089 I have to go to them one By one. It's not fair. 219 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,858 Hey, you're gorgeous, sam. 220 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,325 Come on. I'm going to Take those pictures. 221 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,794 Why don't you get up there 222 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,595 And put your arms Around the girls, ok? 223 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:59,166 Put my arms Around them, you say? 224 00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,367 Right up there. 225 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,435 Okey-dokey. Ha ha ha! 226 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,404 Squeeze in there Real tight, sam. 227 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,906 Yeah, that's good. 228 00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,975 Ok. Tell me, sam, How do you feel 229 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,576 About the game On saturday? 230 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,712 Well, it's a challenge Of a lifetime. 231 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,947 We're looking At natural assets 232 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:17,651 That are going to play havoc With the strike zone. 233 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,788 No, no. I'm looking Forward to the game. 234 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:25,425 And I'm particularly Looking forward to The shower afterwards. 235 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,160 All right, all right. Seriously. 236 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,862 I think it's going to Be a great game, 237 00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,864 And I just hope that Everybody comes out 238 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,565 To support A very worthy cause. 239 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,967 Terrific, sam. Now step out 240 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,969 And let me get A shot of the girls By themselves. 241 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,871 Why don't we put them Over here by the door? 242 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:41,508 I know what you're thinking, And I don't care. 243 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:45,378 If you think I'm even concerned, You are wrong. 244 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,948 Your sortie Into sordidness 245 00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,017 Has no effect On my emotions. 246 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,853 You could make love to All five of those women, 247 00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,822 And I would feel nothing... 248 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:57,057 As, I'm sure, would they. 249 00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,728 Why don't you Come over here 250 00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:01,895 And let me introduce you To the girls? 251 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,196 I'd like to show them 252 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,432 The charity I was Involved with last year. 253 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,741 You are a sand flea! 254 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,844 That's The thanks I get? 255 00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,528 Hey, coach. 256 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,664 What happened To our pool table? 257 00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:38,932 It's still there, larry, 258 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:41,001 But thanks to our Billiard buddy adaptor, 259 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,270 It's more fun Than ever now. 260 00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:46,006 It can be A knock-hockey table, 261 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:50,377 A ping-pong table, A slot-car track, You name it. 262 00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,379 I want a pool table. 263 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,014 Well, let me get out 264 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:57,350 My easy-to-follow Conversion instructions here. 265 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,491 A little tool kit... 266 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,666 And that. 267 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,635 Coach, how long is This going to take? 268 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:16,904 20 minutes. 269 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,972 20 minutes to put the Pool table together? 270 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:22,275 No. 20 minutes to figure What the hell this is. 271 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:24,812 Forget it. I'll play ping-pong. 272 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:26,847 God bless you. 273 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,052 Hey, coach! 274 00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,721 The play of the game, Cliffie, 275 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:36,623 Was when angela Had to reach back 276 00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,225 To catch that foul ball. 277 00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:41,494 Yeah, yeah. That was A thing of beauty, normie, 278 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,230 But the best one 279 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,867 Was when ginger bent down To catch that grounder. 280 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,335 I had to applaud, norm. 281 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,971 Let's not forget when Rosemary and ginger 282 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:53,140 Kind of bumped Into each other. 283 00:12:57,344 --> 00:13:01,148 Either one of you Manage to sneak a peek At the scoreboard? 284 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,549 There was A scoreboard? 285 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,651 Yeah! The final score 286 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:07,620 Was sam's team 7, Playmates 0. 287 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,023 I'm telling you, He was blowing Those girls away. 288 00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,358 It was a massacre! 289 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,360 I lost track of the Final strikeouts, 290 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,964 But the important Thing is The twinkies lost. 291 00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,501 Ta-da! 292 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,970 Yay! 293 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,572 Sammy, my man! Way to hum! Whoo! 294 00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:28,675 Yeah. Hey, did you hear? I got 18 strikeouts. 295 00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,277 Sam, I counted 17. 296 00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,712 No! The ump was blind. That ball cut the corner. 297 00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:34,681 Hey, coach, come on. Drinks are on me. 298 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:36,049 We're celebrating here. 299 00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,585 Hey, sammy, what happened To the playmates? 300 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:41,388 I thought they were Supposed to sashay down Here after the game. 301 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:44,057 Yeah, they were. I guess They're sore losers. 302 00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,658 Whatever happened To sportsmanship, huh? 303 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,595 Maybe they were A little put off by Your victory laps. 304 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,263 Aww. 305 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,865 Come on, man. 306 00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,566 That was just a joke. 307 00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:57,070 Hey, that was a pretty Good game, wasn't it? 308 00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,039 I really had My stuff back. 309 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,374 Wasn't this game Supposed to be for fun? 310 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,843 Yeah, that's right. I had a great time. 311 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:07,380 Hey! Guys, huh? I really Had my stuff, huh? 312 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:10,817 Magnificent, sam. Any chance the girls Will be by? 313 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,986 Would you guys Forget the girls, here? 314 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,554 I mean, I just won a game, 315 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,523 Didn't let anybody Past first base, 316 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,492 And you're all Pretending that this Is an ordinary day. 317 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,228 [clink clink] 318 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,996 Excuse me. 319 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,532 I'm not an expert In the field of sports, 320 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,335 But it's my impression That the fans paid 321 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,404 To see the little playmates Wiggling their hineys 322 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,306 Around the bases. 323 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:36,276 Diane, you're The last person I want To talk to today-- 324 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,778 You're exactly not in The top five any day-- 325 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,047 But for Your information, 326 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,748 People paid good money 327 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,716 To watch Sam malone pitch. 328 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:46,519 I paid for hineys. 329 00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:48,088 Come on! 330 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:51,724 People don't pay to watch A baseball star stink. 331 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,427 They pay to watch them Relive their old glories. 332 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:57,430 You know, sammy, I was more thrilled Than anybody 333 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,799 To see you out there Flinging it again, 334 00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:02,802 But even I was A little embarrassed 335 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:04,537 When you put one In babette's ear 336 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,340 'cause she was Crowding the plate. 337 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,077 Hey, the plate Belongs to me. 338 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,911 Babette can't Stand the heat, 339 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,913 She shouldn't have Crossed the baseline. 340 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,482 Come on, here. We're celebrating, guys. 341 00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:17,650 Sam, you mean You knocked a girl down? 342 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,852 No, coach, I didn't Knock a girl down. 343 00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,421 I knocked A batter down. 344 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,323 She was halfway Across the plate. 345 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:26,093 Oh, halfway Across the plate, She deserves it. 346 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,360 Let's celebrate. 347 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,997 Oh, yes, by all means, Let's celebrate. 348 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:32,499 This is such a major Accomplishment, sam. 349 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:35,102 I think you're ready To take on 350 00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:36,503 The campfire girls All-stars. 351 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:39,072 Hey, hey. Way to go, Diane. Ha ha! 352 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:41,808 You guys want to go out There right now and face me? 353 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,276 Huh, mouths? Huh? 354 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,078 I mean, any one of you, Go get a bat. 355 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:47,080 First person That gets a hit off me, 356 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,815 I'll give him the bar. 357 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,383 Any takers? 358 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,919 Yeah. Yeah, I thought That would shut you up, 359 00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:54,454 You gutless wonders. 360 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,423 Why don't you just go Over to the playboy club 361 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,525 And hang out With the losing team? 362 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:01,828 Coach, I'm going To be I'll be In the back room... 363 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:03,363 Alone. 364 00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:12,172 Oh, good. Diane's here. 365 00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:15,408 Sam, you are An attractive man. 366 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,245 You have many friends. You have a lot going for you. 367 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:22,049 But you have one miserable Character flaw. 368 00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:24,051 Gee. I wonder if I could coax you 369 00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:26,353 Into telling me What that is. 370 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,689 Sam... 371 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,396 You and I dated For what seemed An eternity, 372 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:39,766 And I think I know You pretty well. 373 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,834 You get Into a contest, 374 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,637 And you'd rather die Than lose. 375 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,807 I'm surmising, But... 376 00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:50,877 I think Your fear of losing Drove you to drink 377 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:52,512 And ruined Your career. 378 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,548 I'm going to Tell you something. 379 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,550 Then I'd appreciate it If you leave. 380 00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:01,554 A little competitiveness Is a healthy thing. 381 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,323 Uh-huh. But you have 382 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:06,093 More than a little Competitiveness. 383 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,794 Sam, you're very sick. 384 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,465 I am not. 385 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,167 Yes, you are, And I can prove it. 386 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,936 Why did you Play this game in The first place? 387 00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:19,939 To impress a bevy Of buxom bunnies 388 00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:23,276 Who now will never Speak to you again. 389 00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,044 You wanted to Beat them 390 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,447 More than you wanted To bed them. 391 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,284 Oh, my god. I am sick. 392 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,388 Oh... 393 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,790 Sam, you're not Actually sick. 394 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,359 You just have A problem. 395 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,394 I know, I know, I know. 396 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,563 I've always had it. 397 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,233 You mean You approached games 398 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,968 In the same way when You were a child? 399 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,238 Especially when I was a child. 400 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:53,340 My parents were kind Of tough on me. 401 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:56,376 I...I could Never do anything To please them. 402 00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:58,545 I mean, if I got A "C" in school, 403 00:17:58,545 --> 00:17:59,946 They said why didn't You get a "B"? 404 00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:01,814 If I got a "B," Why didn't You get an "A"? 405 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,916 And if you got an "A"? 406 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,352 Sorry. 407 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,857 You know, In high school, 408 00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,593 Once I pitched A two-hitter. 409 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:18,231 All my dad could Talk about was the Lousy two damn hits. 410 00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,801 Sam, this is wonderful. 411 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:24,604 You're sharing with me An attempt to confront 412 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,774 The very roots Of your self-involvement. 413 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:33,045 I had no idea you could Relate on this level. 414 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,514 Yeah. 415 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:37,016 Kind of feels good To open up like this. 416 00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,685 Yeah. 417 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:39,886 You know... 418 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,656 When I was about 6, 419 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:47,894 I made my dad breakfast In bed on father's day. 420 00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:50,197 I was really Proud of myself. 421 00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:53,200 All he could say was The eggs were too dry, 422 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:57,136 And the...And the Toast was too light. 423 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:02,709 Sam, I'm feeling A closeness to you now 424 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:07,680 That compels me to share A core feeling of my own, 425 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,584 Something which I have yet To make privy to my analyst. 426 00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:15,255 It happened My 17th summer. 427 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,357 I swear, if I'd made The toast any darker, 428 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,259 He would've said I burned it. 429 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,529 I was brimming with The innocence of youth. 430 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:24,564 Everybody else In the world Would've said, 431 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,098 "Hey, that toast is Perfectly fine." 432 00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:30,002 Oh, stop with The damn toast tragedy! 433 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,438 What's your problem? 434 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:35,074 Well, I'm trying to share Something very painful, 435 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,377 And you keep Cutting me off. 436 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,579 I was talking About my dad. 437 00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,180 Well, I was going To tell you 438 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,451 About the time I stayed Home from the prom. 439 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:48,655 You interrupted My dad story for that? 440 00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:51,758 Well, what more was there? He didn't like your toast. 441 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:55,362 Ok. Fine, fine. Tell me all about your Little dance story. 442 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,863 This doesn't have Anything to do 443 00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,399 With mice and glass Slippers, does it? 444 00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:04,136 I assure you that the Details of my prom story 445 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,674 Would make your dad story Look like self-pitying tripe. 446 00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:09,676 All right, all right. Ok. Right now, 447 00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:12,612 I'm going to admit That I am a very Competitive person, 448 00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,614 But you know Something that just Occurred to me? 449 00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,716 You know the reason Why our relationship Never worked? 450 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,718 Because you always had To have the last say, 451 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,321 You always had to Be on top, and you're Still doing it. 452 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:24,724 You know, you are just As competitive as I am. 453 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:25,925 Me? 454 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,226 Yeah. 455 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,896 I'm not competitive. 456 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,232 I'm intense... 457 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,702 And strong-willed, 458 00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:40,407 But I think that Mindless games and contests 459 00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:44,176 Are very destructive and Diminish the human spirit. 460 00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:45,445 Is that right? 461 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,314 Want to play Ping-pong? 462 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,486 Of course I don't want To play ping-pong. 463 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,322 It's preposterous. 464 00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:57,023 It's not exactly My best sport. 465 00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:58,458 A lot of people Beat me at it, 466 00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:01,227 But I bet you I Could beat the pants Off of you. 467 00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:03,663 What if you did? What would it prove? 468 00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:05,231 It'd prove I'm having A great day, 469 00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:07,233 My dad was wrong, God's in his heaven, 470 00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:09,569 And you are a loser. 471 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:11,738 Oh-- 472 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,072 As always, 473 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:17,344 You are just trying to avoid The central issue here. 474 00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:20,112 Come on, chicken. 475 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,114 Bawk bawk bawk! 476 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:25,117 Don't do this, sam. 477 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,654 Bawk bawk Bawk bawk bawk! 478 00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:30,790 I've played ping-pong. 479 00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,291 Ooh... 480 00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:37,464 My father built me An elaborate rec room 481 00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,231 When I was a child. 482 00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:41,401 My daddy liked me. 483 00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:47,740 Yeah. Yeah. I bet you Got lots of practice 484 00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:49,976 Staying home from All those proms, huh? 485 00:21:56,182 --> 00:21:59,285 Yes. It gave me The opportunity 486 00:21:59,285 --> 00:22:01,888 To master the complexities Of making toast. 487 00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:04,857 Oh. Nice serve, Diane. Ha ha ha! 488 00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:06,092 All right. 489 00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:10,262 Yeah, You'll be easy. 490 00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:11,864 I'm real worried. 491 00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:20,373 [ping-pong continues] 492 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:29,115 Since that time, norm, I've never feared death. 493 00:22:29,115 --> 00:22:31,217 [ping-pong continues] 494 00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:32,318 [diane] My point. 495 00:22:32,318 --> 00:22:33,986 [sam] Lucky shot. 496 00:22:33,986 --> 00:22:35,054 Come on. Serve. 497 00:22:35,054 --> 00:22:36,656 Sam, what are we doing? 498 00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:38,658 It's called Ping-pong. Serve. 499 00:22:38,658 --> 00:22:41,360 This all started out With us arguing 500 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,496 Over who was The most competitive. 501 00:22:43,496 --> 00:22:47,500 What are we proving By knocking a ball back And forth all night? 502 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,368 It's not going to Be all night. 503 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,270 I'm about to win. Now serve, will you? 504 00:22:51,270 --> 00:22:57,043 Let's start by admitting That we both have a problem, 505 00:22:57,043 --> 00:23:00,647 And let's put down Our paddles simultaneously 506 00:23:00,647 --> 00:23:03,049 And walk away From this thing. 507 00:23:05,418 --> 00:23:07,820 Oh, you're quitting. Is that it? 508 00:23:09,656 --> 00:23:13,092 As it so happens, I am a point ahead. 509 00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:15,161 I could win On this serve. 510 00:23:15,161 --> 00:23:16,929 I am suggesting 511 00:23:16,929 --> 00:23:19,331 A greater triumph For us both-- 512 00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:22,969 A victory over This destructive problem We both have. 513 00:23:22,969 --> 00:23:28,107 Let's beat our paddles Into plowshares, sam. 514 00:23:28,107 --> 00:23:30,643 Say again? 515 00:23:30,643 --> 00:23:33,746 Try this for me, and see if You don't feel better. 516 00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:36,082 I'm putting down My paddle. 517 00:23:39,852 --> 00:23:42,421 Join me in This victory, sam. 518 00:23:53,299 --> 00:23:55,401 How do you feel? 519 00:23:55,401 --> 00:23:57,003 I feel ok. 520 00:23:57,003 --> 00:23:58,004 Yeah. 521 00:23:58,004 --> 00:24:00,607 As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good. 522 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:02,374 Good. Yeah. 523 00:24:02,374 --> 00:24:03,776 Buy me a cup of coffee? 524 00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:06,112 Yeah, you bet. How about that? 525 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:08,080 Oh. Just one more thing. 526 00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:11,851 I win. 527 00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:14,220 You're not getting out Of this room alive. 528 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:15,722 Oh, don't be A sore loser. 529 00:24:15,722 --> 00:24:17,857 You're the one that's Gonna be sore. Ouch! 530 00:24:17,857 --> 00:24:19,859 That's why they Call those "Paddles."